Breaking up is hard to do.....

There is that moment when you realize you are an adult.

Maybe it is when you are going to the grocery store for the first time and you are in charge of the cart. Maybe it is when you have to sign your first lease. Or when you see bills coming up in your name. Or when you buy your first car.

For me it was when I bought a couch on credit. I picked out my couch from JC Penney. I was 20 years old. The credit card company called up and they told me my credit limit was not enough to cover the couch, but this time they would do me a favor and raise my limit. I was thrilled…honored. I felt as though I should send them a fruit basket. Possibly add them to my Christmas list. I got off the phone and jumped for joy because I was a Chosen One.

Then came the payments to the credit card. Yea, they are easy at first, but then you realize how much and how long you have to pay for the honor of being the “Chosen One”. Suffice it say, if I did the minimum payments, I’d still be paying that couch off. APR is not something you consider when you really, really want your first couch.

Recently I did opposite of what made me feel like an adult the first time…I cancelled credit cards. You would think that is an easy task…you just call up the company and say, “Thanks but no thanks…I don’t need your card.” Then they would say, “Thank you for using us, have a nice day.”

Alas, this is not the case.

I called the first company and told them I didn’t want their card. They acted as if I had just told them I had an early appointment in the morning and could they please leave. I was transferred not once, not twice, but 3 times. I pleasantly told each person that I just wanted to cancel my card. Their friendly voice changed and took a tone as if I had just told them I pooped on their floor. I felt as if I had to apologize, and I actually did to 2 of them and said, “I’m sorry, I really don’t need your services.”

Then the next credit card company took it to a different level. I was only transferred once. They knew what to do with my type of person. I waited on the phone patiently as I was transferred, I had been through this before…I was going to stand my ground and just say “No” with confidence.

Then the voice on the other side said, “May I help you?” She sounded like a grandmother who baked chocolate chip cookies for the neighborhood kids. It was a sweet voice, a kind voice…a voice that made you smile just by hearing it. If ever there was a voice that made you want to do what they wanted just so you would not disappoint them…this was that voice.

She asked me what I wanted, as if she didn’t know she was the last bastion of hope for their company for those that wanted to desert them. I told her, “I just need to cancel my card.” There was actual disappointment in her voice. I didn’t just poop on her floor at this point, I had trampled on her roses as I ran out of her house in shame and on the way I tripped over her blind dog she had rescued and I had injured one of its last 3 legs.

She asked me if I was sure, and did I realize that if I just used the card, I could save money. This confused me, as in my mind, I had just paid off my couch in just 240 easy payments. A couch I had replaced 3x by now. I was told I could earn $100 if I just stuck with them. I asked, “How?” Her answer….I just needed to spend $900!

Suddenly, the imaginary cookies no longer smelled as good as my mind had told me. In fact, they smelled a lot like what I would have left on her floor.

I asked, “What in the hell am I going to spend $900 on in a month?”

Apparently I could take a trip. Spend money on other people. I could use it anyway I want.

I told her why can’t I just use my own money?

She actually scoffed…Money?  If I use my money, then I wouldn’t get the extra $100!

True, but if I don’t spend the $900, I have 9x more than the $100.

Grandma then took the tone of, “If you don’t want free money that’s your choice, but don’t come crying to me when you realize what you have done.”

As I hung up the phone I realized cancelling credit cards is like breaking up with someone. It’s uncomfortable and weird.

And for the record, I tried to break up with a 3^rd credit card…they didn’t answer the phone, apparently it was too early for them. I still haven’t called them back. I apparently have to break up with them between 9-5.