Whereismy-itis
The scene.....in the house 45 minutes before we are going somewhere we have no other choice to be. There is a dress requirement for one or both of the kids. A voice carries throughout the house, "Mom, where is my (insert necessary article of clothing they have lost, i.e. bowtie for orchestra or white shirt for orchestra or a shoe for the other foot).
Sigh....
Another scene....a child turning over everything in the house in a desperate search for a mystery item. After they have sufficiently made a mess, a frustrated voice utters, "Mom, where is my (insert name of desired item)."
Groan...
Another scene....a child standing in front of the refrigerator.....NOT bending at the waist. The child closes the door, circles the kitchen, looks in the pantry, goes back to the refrigerator....goes back to the pantry....then back to the refrigerator. Finally the plea rises up, "Mom, where is the (insert the missing condiment)" or "Mom, what do we have to eat?"
You have got to be kidding me!
Okay, I am here to announce something. I am NOT the keeper of socks, shoes, shirts, pants, hair gel, shaving cream, video games, iPods, books, deodorants, bow ties, lunch bags, or homework. I also do not have the ability to see through TWO rooms to tell anyone what is in the refrigerator or in the pantry. I am not able to put together a meal while I am upstairs, knee deep in killer dust bunnies. It is impossible.
So I will give everyone the tools to resolve these issues.
1. STOP LOSING STUFF! When you are done using something, don't just put it down, put it AWAY. Because if you just put it down you will pile things on it and it will get buried and lost. This is not rocket science. This isn't a hard equation. It is a simple concept.
2. BEND AT THE WAIST! No one can find anything when they do not bend down to look into a refrigerator. And the taller you are the harder it is to find anything in that cold box if you do NOT bend down. You are younger and more flexible than I am, and somehow I manage to bend at the waist and find things in the refrigerator.
3. MOVE THINGS! Let's say you are looking for something, and you don't see it in the front. BUT...you notice there are things BEHIND said item. This is a good time to extend an arm to allow the hand to go forward in order to grasp the first item. Don't panic because this next part is tricky. Take the first item and move it to the side. THEN....look at the item behind the first item. If that one isn't it...repeat as necessary until the item is found.
4. USE YOUR MEMORY! I know you have one.....and here are the reasons why: you can remember the cheat codes to the video games you have played in the past 5 years; you remember lyrics to songs and how they sound enough to play them on 1-2 different instruments; you find your way home on a daily basis, as well as your way to your friends' homes; you remember the characters of your books you read since you have been FIVE YEARS OLD; you know how to go to all of your favorite website WITHOUT them being bookmarked. This is proof you have a memory. So RETRACE your steps and try to figure out where you last used the item.
Contrary to popular belief I have no use for any of the items they are missing. I don’t wear their shoes, shirts or underwear…..I don’t use their hair gels, toothbrushes, or deodorant…..I don’t use their iPods or video games or camera. For the love of all that is good, I have my own stuff! And I am able to keep track of them too. I know my iPod is in my inside pocket in my purse, my phone is next to me and my underwear is downstairs and in my drawer. I will not need to call them at school…..though I’m tempted to do it.
I also manage to get dressed all by myself and never seem to yell out, “has anyone seen my bra?” It is a ridiculous thing to ask of the 2 men and a girl who doesn’t wear one. I have, on an occasion, asked for people to find my keys or purse….sometimes both. But this is not a daily occurrence.
I firmly believe my family thinks that I hide their stuff when they are not using it…or I pile everything together and dance naked around it on full moons. Let me assure everyone, these things have not happened…..EVER. I don’t CARE where their stuff is. I am just thrilled to know where their physical beings are, there is no way I can catalog where everything in the house is at all times.
Okay, I admit, sometimes I appear that I do know where everything is located. Today my daughter asked me where the white cheddar/jalapeno shake was for the popcorn. My answer was, “on the smaller counter, in the kitchen, in a small shaker container with a red top. It is unmarked and close to the wall.” And admittedly I did that from another room. But it was a FLUK! I swear it was. Just like I know my daughter’s concert outfit for Thursday is in 2 places….the shirt is on the floor in the bathroom and the pants are downstairs folded neatly.
HOW do I know these things? It is THEIR fault. After 17 years of being quizzed incessantly about where everything is….my mind DOES catalog where THEIR stuff is in anticipation for what they are going to lose.
It is maddening.
Some people have enough room in their memory to remember the capital of Uzbekistan. I, however, have no room for that information because has been bumped to make room for where the pile of clean socks my son his in his clothes pile that he has forgotten by now. Some people have the ability to remember what the Ming Dynasty was all about. The brain cells for that information is filled by the knowledge that my daughter is about to run out of socks because she has left a few piles around the house. Some people have the ability to recall important political figures and issues. Sadly, my mental energy is devoted to the status of all of the animals’ food levels in the house, the levels of clothing my family has for the week and what they need to wear because of the weather as well as their personal grooming brands. There is no WAY I can fit anything of significance in my head at this point.
The reality is I’m stuck. Sure, I could make them find stuff on their own. But they will leave them naked, dirty, and hungry and a bit too ripe smelling for my liking. It would be like a scene from the Night of the Living Dead in the house. And when the police finally come because of all of the complaints from the neighbors….it would be blamed on ME. Because I will be the only one in here who was able to bath, get clean clothes and eat thereby making me liable for these chuckleheads. There would be a quick trial and I would be found guilty on several felony accounts of not saving perfectly able bodied people from themselves! The jury would take all of 5 minutes to deliberate, and that includes a coffee break. The judge would give me a life sentence and I would waste away in prison, with a phone in my cell for punishment to only answer the “Where is my” calls!
Since I do NOT want to be imprisoned in my own personal hell…..I will continue to memorize all of these inane details of my house. Sure, I’m not the interesting one at the parties….But if anyone needs a pair of headphones where only the left side works and all of the plastic is ripped off of the foam part….I can tell them it is in the study, in the upper left cabinet door, under 2 different cable.
Hey, it’s better than prison.
Sigh....
Another scene....a child turning over everything in the house in a desperate search for a mystery item. After they have sufficiently made a mess, a frustrated voice utters, "Mom, where is my (insert name of desired item)."
Groan...
Another scene....a child standing in front of the refrigerator.....NOT bending at the waist. The child closes the door, circles the kitchen, looks in the pantry, goes back to the refrigerator....goes back to the pantry....then back to the refrigerator. Finally the plea rises up, "Mom, where is the (insert the missing condiment)" or "Mom, what do we have to eat?"
You have got to be kidding me!
Okay, I am here to announce something. I am NOT the keeper of socks, shoes, shirts, pants, hair gel, shaving cream, video games, iPods, books, deodorants, bow ties, lunch bags, or homework. I also do not have the ability to see through TWO rooms to tell anyone what is in the refrigerator or in the pantry. I am not able to put together a meal while I am upstairs, knee deep in killer dust bunnies. It is impossible.
So I will give everyone the tools to resolve these issues.
1. STOP LOSING STUFF! When you are done using something, don't just put it down, put it AWAY. Because if you just put it down you will pile things on it and it will get buried and lost. This is not rocket science. This isn't a hard equation. It is a simple concept.
2. BEND AT THE WAIST! No one can find anything when they do not bend down to look into a refrigerator. And the taller you are the harder it is to find anything in that cold box if you do NOT bend down. You are younger and more flexible than I am, and somehow I manage to bend at the waist and find things in the refrigerator.
3. MOVE THINGS! Let's say you are looking for something, and you don't see it in the front. BUT...you notice there are things BEHIND said item. This is a good time to extend an arm to allow the hand to go forward in order to grasp the first item. Don't panic because this next part is tricky. Take the first item and move it to the side. THEN....look at the item behind the first item. If that one isn't it...repeat as necessary until the item is found.
4. USE YOUR MEMORY! I know you have one.....and here are the reasons why: you can remember the cheat codes to the video games you have played in the past 5 years; you remember lyrics to songs and how they sound enough to play them on 1-2 different instruments; you find your way home on a daily basis, as well as your way to your friends' homes; you remember the characters of your books you read since you have been FIVE YEARS OLD; you know how to go to all of your favorite website WITHOUT them being bookmarked. This is proof you have a memory. So RETRACE your steps and try to figure out where you last used the item.
Contrary to popular belief I have no use for any of the items they are missing. I don’t wear their shoes, shirts or underwear…..I don’t use their hair gels, toothbrushes, or deodorant…..I don’t use their iPods or video games or camera. For the love of all that is good, I have my own stuff! And I am able to keep track of them too. I know my iPod is in my inside pocket in my purse, my phone is next to me and my underwear is downstairs and in my drawer. I will not need to call them at school…..though I’m tempted to do it.
I also manage to get dressed all by myself and never seem to yell out, “has anyone seen my bra?” It is a ridiculous thing to ask of the 2 men and a girl who doesn’t wear one. I have, on an occasion, asked for people to find my keys or purse….sometimes both. But this is not a daily occurrence.
I firmly believe my family thinks that I hide their stuff when they are not using it…or I pile everything together and dance naked around it on full moons. Let me assure everyone, these things have not happened…..EVER. I don’t CARE where their stuff is. I am just thrilled to know where their physical beings are, there is no way I can catalog where everything in the house is at all times.
Okay, I admit, sometimes I appear that I do know where everything is located. Today my daughter asked me where the white cheddar/jalapeno shake was for the popcorn. My answer was, “on the smaller counter, in the kitchen, in a small shaker container with a red top. It is unmarked and close to the wall.” And admittedly I did that from another room. But it was a FLUK! I swear it was. Just like I know my daughter’s concert outfit for Thursday is in 2 places….the shirt is on the floor in the bathroom and the pants are downstairs folded neatly.
HOW do I know these things? It is THEIR fault. After 17 years of being quizzed incessantly about where everything is….my mind DOES catalog where THEIR stuff is in anticipation for what they are going to lose.
It is maddening.
Some people have enough room in their memory to remember the capital of Uzbekistan. I, however, have no room for that information because has been bumped to make room for where the pile of clean socks my son his in his clothes pile that he has forgotten by now. Some people have the ability to remember what the Ming Dynasty was all about. The brain cells for that information is filled by the knowledge that my daughter is about to run out of socks because she has left a few piles around the house. Some people have the ability to recall important political figures and issues. Sadly, my mental energy is devoted to the status of all of the animals’ food levels in the house, the levels of clothing my family has for the week and what they need to wear because of the weather as well as their personal grooming brands. There is no WAY I can fit anything of significance in my head at this point.
The reality is I’m stuck. Sure, I could make them find stuff on their own. But they will leave them naked, dirty, and hungry and a bit too ripe smelling for my liking. It would be like a scene from the Night of the Living Dead in the house. And when the police finally come because of all of the complaints from the neighbors….it would be blamed on ME. Because I will be the only one in here who was able to bath, get clean clothes and eat thereby making me liable for these chuckleheads. There would be a quick trial and I would be found guilty on several felony accounts of not saving perfectly able bodied people from themselves! The jury would take all of 5 minutes to deliberate, and that includes a coffee break. The judge would give me a life sentence and I would waste away in prison, with a phone in my cell for punishment to only answer the “Where is my” calls!
Since I do NOT want to be imprisoned in my own personal hell…..I will continue to memorize all of these inane details of my house. Sure, I’m not the interesting one at the parties….But if anyone needs a pair of headphones where only the left side works and all of the plastic is ripped off of the foam part….I can tell them it is in the study, in the upper left cabinet door, under 2 different cable.
Hey, it’s better than prison.
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