Dog Toy Landmines
Tomorrow I will start my 2nd week of working at home because of the COVID-19. I've learned something about myself during all of this. I really like complaining about how quickly the weekend goes and how the reality of the boring routine of work is about to begin. It is an American pass time to complain about getting up and going to a job that keeps us supplied in all of the comforts of home.
However, tomorrow, I just move from my bed to my living room and begin my day.
Before my commute was 7.5 miles from my home. Now it is down the hallway. There are obstacles in the hallway that are tricky though. You see my dogs like to play a game that I hate. It is like hide-an-go-seek except they hide their toys and my feet seek them. I like to call it the Dog Toy Landmine game.
In theory, I am smarter than my dogs, I really believe that. I type on my phone and not just lick it, unlike my dog Finn. I don't tear apart the carpet within earshot of other people, unlike my dog Leia. She doesn't get that sound travels and that the sound of ripping cloth will get me out of bed and put me in a bad mood. I do not chase birds and bark at them to come back when they fly away. Also, I give skunks a respectable distance and I don't think it is a good idea to charge after one. I have yet to bite a snake. After someone poops, I do not find the smell interesting enough to sniff it for a good minute. Nor do I need to sniff my own pee and wag my tail like I'm such a good girl for leaving such a good stink.
All of the above are some examples of why I believe I am smarter than my dogs. Except in the game of Dog Toy Landmines...in this they have PhDs and I have yet to get out of the diaper stage.
Now, they do have the advantage that I make the game harder on myself. First off, I have bifocals which are very good, but only when they are on my face. I do not always put them on...and not for any good reason other than some deep-seated mental rebellion of believing my eyesight is not that bad. It isn't that I can't make out shapes and distance, it is that I can't do it very well. Everything is on a fuzzy filter.
The other thing I do not like to do, which gives my dogs the advantage in this game, is turn on lights at night. In my world, the lights trigger me needing to get up and get things done. So I like to keep myself in the dark to fool myself that life has not begun yet. Now, you might ask why am I getting out of bed at night? Well because I'm older, which apparently that means I make urine at a faster rate and my bladder has shrunk to the size of a grape tomato...or just a regular grape. For anyone under 50, smile if you will, but this is your future.
So I wander around the house in the dark and with my fuzzy vision, and this is how we begin to play the Dog Toy Landmine game. They rely on their stubborn old owner to find their toys with her feet and make extremely interesting sounds as she connects with them. They also believe their names are "you fucking assholes" once I make contact. They spend a lot of time chewing plastic bones into sharp instruments of death. If they were in prison, my dogs would be trading expertly crafted shivs for more bones and whiskey. (Finn is our booze hound...if it is in reach, he will taste test some.) What is really great is they like to put their toy of choice on an area of the carpet that is almost the same color.
Let me reiterate...I am smarter than my dogs. Most of the time...
Normally, in the morning before I leave for work, I put their toys away and grumble about how they always leave their stuff out and never put things away and if they didn't want to play with it, why is it on the floor. I will then go get my lunch on my way out and my dog is already taking the toys out before I even close the front door.
Yes, I know they don't understand me...but if you have an animal you do the same thing.
So here is the problem, they are upping their game. We close our bedroom door at night and now they are beginning to leave their toys in front of our bedroom door. They are upping the stakes of the game and they didn't even warn me. If their elaborate plan is for me to break yet another toe, I fear they will win.
As I type this, my puppy Finn walked up to me, looked at my screen and then went to is honing his bone...I think he knows I'm onto his new game. Tonight I change the rules, I wear slippers. He will never see it coming.
However, tomorrow, I just move from my bed to my living room and begin my day.
Before my commute was 7.5 miles from my home. Now it is down the hallway. There are obstacles in the hallway that are tricky though. You see my dogs like to play a game that I hate. It is like hide-an-go-seek except they hide their toys and my feet seek them. I like to call it the Dog Toy Landmine game.
In theory, I am smarter than my dogs, I really believe that. I type on my phone and not just lick it, unlike my dog Finn. I don't tear apart the carpet within earshot of other people, unlike my dog Leia. She doesn't get that sound travels and that the sound of ripping cloth will get me out of bed and put me in a bad mood. I do not chase birds and bark at them to come back when they fly away. Also, I give skunks a respectable distance and I don't think it is a good idea to charge after one. I have yet to bite a snake. After someone poops, I do not find the smell interesting enough to sniff it for a good minute. Nor do I need to sniff my own pee and wag my tail like I'm such a good girl for leaving such a good stink.
All of the above are some examples of why I believe I am smarter than my dogs. Except in the game of Dog Toy Landmines...in this they have PhDs and I have yet to get out of the diaper stage.
Now, they do have the advantage that I make the game harder on myself. First off, I have bifocals which are very good, but only when they are on my face. I do not always put them on...and not for any good reason other than some deep-seated mental rebellion of believing my eyesight is not that bad. It isn't that I can't make out shapes and distance, it is that I can't do it very well. Everything is on a fuzzy filter.
The other thing I do not like to do, which gives my dogs the advantage in this game, is turn on lights at night. In my world, the lights trigger me needing to get up and get things done. So I like to keep myself in the dark to fool myself that life has not begun yet. Now, you might ask why am I getting out of bed at night? Well because I'm older, which apparently that means I make urine at a faster rate and my bladder has shrunk to the size of a grape tomato...or just a regular grape. For anyone under 50, smile if you will, but this is your future.
Let me reiterate...I am smarter than my dogs. Most of the time...
Normally, in the morning before I leave for work, I put their toys away and grumble about how they always leave their stuff out and never put things away and if they didn't want to play with it, why is it on the floor. I will then go get my lunch on my way out and my dog is already taking the toys out before I even close the front door.
Yes, I know they don't understand me...but if you have an animal you do the same thing.
So here is the problem, they are upping their game. We close our bedroom door at night and now they are beginning to leave their toys in front of our bedroom door. They are upping the stakes of the game and they didn't even warn me. If their elaborate plan is for me to break yet another toe, I fear they will win.
As I type this, my puppy Finn walked up to me, looked at my screen and then went to is honing his bone...I think he knows I'm onto his new game. Tonight I change the rules, I wear slippers. He will never see it coming.
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