This is why we can't have nice things....

Government: So...this virus we have going on is a bit of a pisser.
People: Oh we have been following on the news and it is awful and going to kill us and why didn't you tell us sooner!
Government: About that..sorry, but...you all need to stay inside. Shit has gotten really bad. 
Medical: Yes, please...send them home, we are a bit full up right now!
People: Wow, so it is bad. Well, I mean look at other countries, it was bound to get bad. 
Medical: We have seen shit you cannot imagine. Just come see us unless you really need us. 
People: Absolutely...only when I have the sniffles....
Medical: No, not a little bit more than that.
People: So like the sniffles with sneezies?
Medical: Maybe wait for a bit more than that. There is going to be fever, coughing, runny nose....
People: so the flu...
Medical: I mean, not unlike the flu, but with serious symptoms. Think like not being able to breath. 
People: I have a stuffy nose...and I can't breath well. Should I come in?
Medical: You know, fuck off, we have better shit do. Clearly, when you get a hangnail we will see you. 
Government: Just hang out at home, the news will tell you what is bad. 
News 1: You all will die. 
People: Wait what?
News 2: No, you will be fine. Just wash your hands and only lick every 3rd lamppost. 
People: I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. 
CDC: So here is the status of the virus across the world and what you should do.  
People: Boring....yawn...can you make this more like a reality show?
News 1: Oh yea, gargle bleach, drink water, and eat the heart of an artichoke. Then say, "Bloody Corona" 5x in the bathroom mirror and you will be fine. 
News 2: That is crazy! Now listen, just meet up with everyone and let them know how you are not scared of any of this...that will make sure that the virus will not find you. 
People: .... ... ...yea I got nothing. 
Government: Stay away from people, wipe off things. 
People: Like what kind of things?
Government: If it can be touched, wipe it down. 
People: Ohhh....now I get it. Let me go shopping for things.
(removes all toilet paper, hand sanitizers, and disinfectants from stores) 
Government: What in the holy fuck did you do?
People: You said wipe things down?
Government: Really? What are you going to do? Travel with a roll of toilet paper and bleach?
People: No, I mean, not really, that is for my house. 
Government: What in the fuck is happening in your home you need a pallet of disinfectant?
People: You, Medical and News told us all this stuff helps. 
Medical: We didn't tell you to gargle bleach. 
People: But News 1 said it will. 
News 1: Also, you will get a viral infection from viral videos.
Medical: And this is your news source? So you reject anything that doesn't entertain you?
People: Wait, did you say something?
Medical: .... .... I just can't....
Government: You know, everyone out of the pool. I suggest you stay at home before things get worse.
People: Absolutely! I'm going to tell all my friends on Social Media to stay in...
Government: You know this is for you too, right?
People: Sure...wink wink...
Government: No really, we mean you, too.
People: Sure...whatever.
(goes out to gym, park, store, sneezes on 3 dogs on a jog)
Government: Holy crap, did you just do that? Okay, now we are at level 2. We are going to shut things down you like to do. Like eating, drinking, and working out.
People: Hey that's not fair. I mean I know this is serious, but I need my nugs, wine and workouts.
Government: You took everything that can protect society and shoved it in your basement!
People: No I didn't. 
Government: Oh okay. So you need a pallet of toilet paper?
People:... ... maybe... .. ... this is for medical purposes
Government: The "I shit a river" syndrome? Granny down the street is using her tea cozie to wipe her bum, but hey, whatever. I'm sending you to your room. 
People: That is too far, this is too much government in my life. I have rights...this is a FREE country!
Government: I swear, don't make me go over there. I'm so done with your shit.
People: Fine, we will go work at home...
Government: I just saw you playing touch football with your asshole friends on the beach!
People: Wasn't me....
Government: I have pictures. Okay, fine...let's up the game. No playgrounds or beaches for you until you understand what is at stake. 
People: I'm bored. Pay attention to me.
Government: I suggest you make a toilet paper palace with what you hoarded, it's gonna be a while, you self absorbed fuck. 

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