Internet Recipes...It's a TRAP

(This blog inspired by a real FB familial post. No recipes were hurt in the writing of the blog)

One day in your past or your future, you will want to look up a recipe. Maybe it is the perfect cheesecake to impress your family at a holiday event, or perhaps a fantastic cocktail for a small gathering at your home, or maybe the perfect chili to warm you on a cold winter's night. It doesn't matter when or why, but one day you will try to get the ingredients to something you know will complete you. 

So you open a browser up, pick your favorite search engine...and then you look for your recipe. It all started so innocently. A simple desire for a simple set of ingredients that might give you light in your life. 

Then it happens, you find the recipe that claims it is the best. This is the recipe that you remembered seeing posted on your social media sites...maybe your sister's friend's cousin's teacher from grade school swore this was the one that made everyone swoon at her party. Or maybe it was the one that says it is the exact duplicate of something you ate at your favorite chain restaurant and you have to find out how to make it because it gave you a moment of joy. No matter why you felt the need this recipe was the answers to your prayers, you know the moment you get the ingredients to this recipe, the day will be totally worth it. 

So it begins...

You: Here it is! The recipe I have been searching for! This is the one that everyone swears is the best recipe ever!

Blog: I find myself compelled to share this amazing recipe. This will change your life in ways you cannot imagine. Your friends will love you, your family will praise you at reunions, and if you share this at work, you will be sure to get a promotion. 

You: Oh yea, this is EXACTLY what I need. Lil Miss Becky's Best Brownies will no longer be the favorite....she uses a pimped out box brownie but she won't admit it, but I know better. I'm going to bury her this year. 

Blog: It is only the finest ingredients that will complete this recipe, so be prepared to buy the best in order to make sure you...

You: Sure, I mean I am shopping at my regular store and their stuff is good enough. It is not like Michelin quality ingredients....but honestly, they named that rating after a tire, so how good can that be?

Blog: ...understand that quality ingredients are key. During one holiday gathering, my mother decided that she would replace her favorite butter with....

You: So I need butter...I mean butter is butter. Why is there a paragraph on butter? Is this part of the recipe?

Blog: ...and my grandmother only forgave my mother because she loved her, but told her she can never use that butter again. It was a long hard time in my family, but in the end it made us stronger. This is why cooking is so important to me and how quality ingredients are key to happiness. 

You: So do I need butter? 

Blog: The first time I made this recipe, I was in a dark place. It was the anniversary of the death of my childhood goldfish named Fillet. I know it is a funny name for a fish, but that was the way they came in packages, so I thought all fish were named that. I went into my cupboards to find anything to fill the....

You: ... ... ..I need fish for this? I mean this seems like an odd ingredient for a dessert, but maybe it is foreign or something? Where is she from? Maybe someplace by a sea? Butter and fish...

Blog: ...and when I had everything on the counter, I knew I was ready to make the dish that would change everything. At that moment I was ready, my child walked in with a the head of a doll in a hot dog bun, laughing about....

You: Come on, you didn't tell me what you put on the counter? Fish, butter...doll's head?

Blog: ..and as I cleaned the dog's vomit out of my shoes, I understood just how much my family could use a good dish, too. 

You: Dog vomit? Is this now on the list? How long is this blog? What day is it?

Blog: I went back to my ingredient waiting for me on the counter. I smiled at how steady they were in an uncertain world. I wished that more things were there for you when...

You: WHAT INGREDIENTS ARE THEY?? Take a picture of your counter and I will figure it out! 

Blog: Your first ingredient, you must make sure that 2 days ago you...

You: What are you talking about?? Did this blog start 2 days ago? What did I miss? How is this a recipe? Moby Dick gets to the point faster! Shakespeare has less prose! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!

Blog: So then you take your cage free eggs and you make sure they are at the perfect shape and have no flaws or chicken poop on them. 

You: What are you talking about? Since when do eggs have poop on them? I just want to make cookies for work! This is all Becky's fault! 

Blog: ...and here is where I wrote my recipe down. I learned Old English style of writing in order to not only create a recipe, but a memory. 

You: I can see it...I can read all of the ingredients....eggs, flour, sugar, brown sugar, vanilla....Finally, my moment has arrived....

Blog: I called this my Levy Homestead recipe. 

You: Levy Homestead? What the hell is that? Why would money be used in a recipe used at home? What is she saying? 

Blog: Remember to use only the best chocolate in order to shave off the chips for your cookies....

You: Holy....CRAP....did you just make me read an hour's worth of bullshit to pass on the TOLLHOUSE recipe?? What circle of hell did I find on the internet? How are you not in jail??

Slowly you get up and make the cookies for work. The next day....

Co-Worker Becky: These are the best cookies! Where did you get the recipe?

You: (internal voice) do you know how much hell I went through in order to get this? I spend a night of reading some sad woman's life in order to get the recipe I can buy on any package of chocolate chips! I sent this woman a death threat because of what she made me read for this stupid recipe! And now you want me to make this easy for you?

You: (external voice) Oh it is so easy, I'll send you the link.