Truths of Office Life

I've worked in offices for over 4 decades. After all of these years, I have found some truths just are universal for almost all offices.

You will put off going to the bathroom to avoid certain people. 

The one who complains the most about working does the least amount of work

There is always 1 person who is perpetually surprised at their job

People who tell you how it used to be done still do it that way, even though the rules have changed. 

The person who gossips the most knows the least. 

Someone has probably had sex in your office or on your desk. 

If you look busy all the time, no one gives you a new project. 

Most people can finish their jobs by noon. 

Productivity is inversely proportional to how many productivity meetings are held. 

Condiments in the refrigerator are in their own spacetime continuum. 

Team building exercises often reveal those who would be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse. 

Going #2 in the bathroom involves strategic planning. 

Those who fear technology the most are often the ones in charge of the most critical information. 

The nicer the customer service voice the more likely they will tell you “no.”

Eventually, we all turn into Milton from Office Space. 

Huge corporate profit announcements mock their employees, not encourage them. Especially if their computer is so slow it took 2 minutes to open the link or announcement. 

Going paperless actually creates more paper because everyone has redundant files. 

Your printer will fail you when you need it the most. 

“Are you f**king kidding me” is asked at least 4x a day in every office across the world. By the way, the answer is “no”. 

The faster someone says they did something is inversely proportional to them actually doing it. 

The worst weather will happen on your drive to or from work. If it is Friday, the chances are doubled. If it is before a long weekend or vacation, you might as well forward your mail to Oz. 

Office chair seats are black. Black hides stains. Think of that before you use someone’s chair. 

Very polite conversations with coworkers mean they don’t like you or they don’t trust you. 

Everything you share in private to someone becomes office knowledge. 

Using someone else’s keyboard means you are touching some of their dried bodily fluid. 

The same people who do not wash their hands in the bathroom are the first ones in line for free office food. 

You automatically deduct IQ points from someone when they type out “Your welcome” in an email. 

Walk around the office looking angry and no one will want to talk to you. 

Always carry around papers, this way you can leave any conversation by saying, “I have to give this to someone, but we can talk about this later.”

The 1 email you need to prove you are right is lost. 

The one time you are readjusting your bra or bits is the one time the CEO/VP will walk past your door. 

Most office emergencies can be eliminated by turning off your phone and unplugging your computer. 

Read emails out loud. Trail and Trial are both words, but a “Trail run” and a “Trial run” are not the same things. 

Never use semi colons unless you have an English Degree and you can defend your use of it. 

Use big words to confuse your audience and make them think you know what you are doing. 

Never piss off IT. How quickly you get support might depend on just how much attitude you gave them. 

Office chairs are sacred things. Stealing a chair is a capital offense in the office. The one who got their chair stolen will tear the building apart brick by brick looking for their beloved chair. 

Everyone sings the alphabet song as they file. 

If you change your passwords on a Friday and don’t write it down, you will be calling IT on Monday.

Always limit expectations by overestimating how long it will take to do a job. Never tell them how long it actually takes you to complete a task. 

If you are a woman who is good with Excel, everyone thinks you are a witch. 

Everyone has a “reserved” parking spot in their head and when someone parks there, they are upset. 

The biggest war in every office is what temperature to keep the thermostat at. 

Someone is watching porn in your office building during the day.

Companies send phishing emails to warn you against phishing emails. 

Only 50% of the office knows how to use the scanner on the copy machine. Only 1% of the office knows how to access the Finishing options for their copier. 

The chances of someone saying “Xerox copy” and having a flip phone is insanely high.  

The receptionist sees everything and knows when people arrive and leave…and who they arrive and leave with. 

You have been the subject of someone’s Asshole/Bitch story. 

In the beginning of 2001, they show cavemen behaving weirdly around the mysterious obelisk...that is the same way everyone looks at a new hire. 

The longer the email the less likely people will read it. 

The music you listen to at full blast in the car isn’t always the best in the office. 

Singing “Happy Birthday” in the office is way more stressful than it should be. 

Never trust a pot luck dish from someone who licks their fingers to separate papers. 

When you get hired to fill a position, someone hates you for not being the other person. 

The most expensive car in the parking lot is almost always driven by the person who complains about money the most.

The one who is first in line for free office food is the first to complain about it. 

Some will treat the office buffet as if it is a grocery store challenge and will pile their plate so high that it becomes structurally unsound. 

If you want to know the biggest stories in the office, talk to the person retiring because they have nothing to lose. 

Unless you met a celebrity or have pictures of a crime scene, no one wants to see your vacation pictures. 

New parents, as your baby gets older, people are less interested in your pictures. The day the baby is born is the one day you will get everyone saying, “aww cute” and “how adorable.”  Once the baby is a month old, you could take a picture of a ham sandwich and the baby and both will get equal enthusiasm. 

If you are taking notes in the meeting, everyone will ask you what happened in the meeting, even if they were in the same meeting. 

If a meeting goes longer than 45 minutes, most people are checking their phones for a reason to leave the meeting. The others are trying to figure out what is for dinner or where their Amazon package is. 

The bathroom is at its busiest 5 minutes before a meeting. 

You can have a meeting scheduled for months at the same day of the week and same time…and the same person will be late to 85% of the meetings. 

The loudest person doesn’t think the “mute button” is for them during conference calls. 

The more integral the item is for a project, the least likely it can be obtained. 

The one who orders the supplies will make you explain why you need 20 pins for the bulletin board and walk around trying to find extra ones for you on other boards. They will grill you like you are a spy trying to steal government secrets while instead you trying to just pin up flyers for the Christmas pot luck.  

People who steal other lunches take the gamble the lunch was prepared with care and not by an angry spouse looking to get some revenge. 

Everyone has an office pen at their house. 

There are some who are too enthusiastic for office events and those of us who mock them. 

Office parties where liquor is served is a trap. 

It is an insult to the company to not wear their ugly shirts and hats. 

You’re not paranoid, they are talking about you. 

Never forget, you are a budget line item to corporate. 

Be wary of pot lucks during cold and flu season.