Thoughts at 53

 Thoughts at 53….

One of the memories that often comes up is when I was a kid on the swing in the backyard. I would sit there and think and dream and sometimes just be still. One of the things I remember was I wanted to move to Florida and own a dolphin. I remember promising I would never be mean when I grew up. I remember singing a lot as I sat on my swing. I would make leaf piles and jump into them. I was on that thing if it was cold or warm, sunny or rainy. It was just always there…my swing on the maple tree. 

It never occurred to me that one day I would not be able to just go outside and see my swing, to sit and ponder life on it. Then one day…I moved to Florida. The reality was nothing like the dream because as it turned out, I hated living in Florida. First off, no one gets their own dolphin just for moving there. It was hot and rainy. Though, we did have a pool and that helped a lot. I swam almost every day for a year and I was able to thank and dream of the possibilities in my life. It wasn’t quite like my tree and swing…but it would do. Of course, one of my biggest  dreams was of me moving back to my old house, back to my old life. 

Then, to my delight, I moved back to my old house, the place I had lived for almost my entire life. I knew that once I got back there, everything would be okay again, everything would fall into place again. I would get my friends back, my family back…and my safe places again. 

One thing I should note…I grew 5 inches in the year when I moved. So when I returned, my childhood home seemed smaller. I no longer had to jump on the kitchen counter to get to the high shelves, my room was there but occupied by my uncle…and the swing felt too low to the ground. My family was there…but not there, my friend groups had split up and moved on. 

My house was there, but it was no longer my house. My friends were still there…but they, like me, had grown up. Technically, nothing changed…and yet everything was different. 

That’s pretty much how my birthday feels. Things are different, even though nothing has really changed.  I kind of feel like that kid on the swing again. I have a place to be calm, to think, to dream. One of the most important things in life is carving peace…to be able to have a place to be still. It isn’t as if life suddenly became simpler, it’s just that I was able to find a peaceful place. 

I’m over half a century and I know I’m over the hill…the beginning part of my life is over. But it is okay. I could have done better with the last 53 years, but you know…I could have done a hell of a lot worse. I’m at peace with who I am and I wonder who else I will become. 

I hope I didn’t disappoint that little girl on the swing. I did some of the things I always wanted and I have a list of things that I still want to do. Even if time is getting shorter to do them…it’s still okay. Maybe it is good I moved away when I was a kid, maybe getting off that swing got me from just dreaming about doing things…and got me to do things. 

So far…day 1 of 53 is good. I am lucky to live in a good house with someone I love…to have kids I’m proud of, a niece and nephew who always make me smile. I’m lucky to have my parents around and my family and a lot of good friends. Will this last? If one thing I have learned…it never does. But it is okay to just enjoy the present and not worry about what things might change. It doesn’t matter because what happens is rarely ever what you expect and what you expect often doesn’t happen.