Driving Refresher Class 101

Getting a driver’s license is a rite of passage for most young people. It’s been a few decades, but I do remember getting mine.

I know over time my driving skills are not what my driving teacher would have approved of. In fact, I’m pretty sure he would be hitting that brake on the passenger’s side a few dozen times. So, I acknowledge that we all kind of lose our edge over time and get a little creative in how we drive.

That being said, some of y’all are just out of control and are so bad Mad Max is even questioning your choices. Let’s have a refresher course, shall we?

The lines that divide lanes mean something. If you are not sure where you want to go, pull over. Do NOT pick 2 lanes because you haven’t made a choice yet.

Green is go, yellow means red is near and red means stop. Now just because you saw the yellow light doesn’t mean you still have the right of way. Yellow doesn’t mean hit your turbo boost pretend you didn’t see the light turn red. I’ll wager if you do this, you have a ticket and/or dents to prove this is a risky move.

There is a magic stick on the side of your steering column that if you flip up or down it will signal your intention of where you are going. This is not a trick; we are not trying to stalk you or judge where you are going, we are not reporting your intentions to the CIA. It helps us know if you are turning so we can modify our movements. That’s it. If you turn on your signal while you are in the middle of the move doesn’t help.

Stop signs are not a suggestion.

Letting a pedestrian walk thru the crosswalk doesn’t damage your car.

Cleaning the snow off your car isn’t forbidden, it is encouraged.

Cutting off a truck is gambling with the idea the truck is well maintained and able to adjust for your assholery. There is a high cost in losing that bet.

Yes, weed is legal in some states. But if your vehicle stinks so bad it makes my car stink…it is time to put down the joint, pull over, get a bag of Doritos and some nugs and stop driving for a bit.

Ice doesn’t give af if you have a big SUV. Unless your tires have spikes in them, going fast on ice just makes sure you are going to put a bigger dent in your vehicle…and the bigger the vehicle the more cars you are going to have to pay for when you run into them.

Cadillac drivers…seriously, wtf. Are ANY of you paying attention?? Just stay home.

Yes, muscle car people, your mid-life crisis car purchase is impressive, and it is pretty to look at. Revving your engine in a traffic jam doesn’t sent the message you think it does. Chill the f out.

I struggle for the logic of this next one. Why in the name of all the gods, both modern and ancient, do people not let cars in during a merge? Is being ahead 1 car so much more of a privilege? Is this a childhood problem that a bully always cut in front of you and you relive this childhood trauma when someone merges in front of you? Just let a car in so we can all move on with our lives…literally.

Leave the house earlier and you won’t feel the need to cut people off as you rush into work.

When railroad crossing gates are down, this is not a “Challenge Level” that opened up on the road. It means a large, fast metal vehicle is going to pass and it has the capability of turning your car into scrap metal and make your family learn how they want your name on your headstone. Put your car in park and relax.

When you drive on the shoulder to get a few cars ahead in traffic you risk you are cutting off someone who can put a curse on you. So when all your socks have holes in them or your tag on your shirt pokes you, know our curses are working and getting stronger. Also, you suck.

 

To those of you who get angry at those of us who follow the rules or don’t break them as hard as you want us to, I have no sage advice or words of comfort. Most of us should get a prize for being able to negotiate around your sketchy driving.