Growing Pains
Lately I’ve come to dislike looking out my back porch’s window. Out there, framed in all of my old window’s glory, is my stunning revelation I do not have the gardening skills to grow grass. Yes, it’s true, my lack of gardening skills have sunk that low.
As I mentioned previously, I do not have a green thumb. In fact, I am the anti-plant person. I shorten the life of any plant on my property. This is a talent I’d give up in a heartbeat, but it seems like it is something I am stuck with. But I thought that growing grass would at least be able to pierce the veil of my anti-plant nature. Alas, I was wrong. And the patch of dirt out in my backyard is
proof of it.
Let me at least say I did not kill the grass in the backyard. I blame that one on the dogs we’ve had over the years. They dig and make little dens and really created a hell of an interesting terrain in the backyard. It looks a little like tiny bombs went off back there. Or we had underachieving rabbits making dens that infiltrated our backyard. In fact it was just a case of “Dogs Gone Wild” back there. Which, I will say was probably a bad choice on my side.
But we went to correct the problem and added nice new top soil with fancy schmancy stuff in there to make things with roots take hold and reach for the sky. Or at least that is what the 40 bags of it said it should do. I even bought some grass that says it grows anywhere. They proved it at the store by showing it growing on some piece of rock. If it worked for them, it must work for me!
Famous last words of an anti-plant person. All the fancy soil and high priced seed didn’t pan out. Not even the cheap seed worked too well.
See, while I am an anti-plant person, I do know the formula for getting grass to grow.
1. Soil (I bought brand new shiny dirt for the project)
2. Grass seed (2 types of grass seed, regular and a bag that lied to me)
3. Daylight (Even I can’t mess that one up)
4. Water (Yes, I did water it daily…and even Mother Nature helped out)
It’s not rocket science for pity sake! Yet, everyday I look out there I have very few grass sprouts. I am, however, getting plenty of clover and dandelions out there. Now I KNOW I didn’t plant those there. They didn’t come in my fancy schmancy soil, and they were in my grass seeds. Yet, there they are in the middle of my dirt patch mocking me.
Now this is not the worst of it. The really ridiculous part is I have grass growing in places where it should not grow. It’s growing up through the cracks of my driveway, the cracks in my sidewalk and on the sides of my house! This is what is making me crazy, it’s like my grass is messing with my mind. I give it all it needs to grow in dirt and yet it chooses inorganic places to grow. I’ve done my darndest to kill my rogue grass, too. I’ve sprayed enough weed killer on those things to declare those areas as chemical spills. (Don’t mess with me tree huggers, it’s been a long day, I know chemicals are bad, but this is war.) And yet today I went out there and they STILL are growing. And my dirt patch isn’t really going down in size.
So at this point, I’m at a loss. I’m negotiating with the clover to remain green and pretend to be grass. The dandelions I am stabbing at with a long stick and yanking them up by their little blond roots. And the grass seed still just looks at me, mocking me. Tomorrow I’m going to get more grass seed…even though I am the anti-plant, I can’t throw in the towel yet. I’m going to get that area green even if I have to spray paint it.
As I mentioned previously, I do not have a green thumb. In fact, I am the anti-plant person. I shorten the life of any plant on my property. This is a talent I’d give up in a heartbeat, but it seems like it is something I am stuck with. But I thought that growing grass would at least be able to pierce the veil of my anti-plant nature. Alas, I was wrong. And the patch of dirt out in my backyard is
proof of it.
Let me at least say I did not kill the grass in the backyard. I blame that one on the dogs we’ve had over the years. They dig and make little dens and really created a hell of an interesting terrain in the backyard. It looks a little like tiny bombs went off back there. Or we had underachieving rabbits making dens that infiltrated our backyard. In fact it was just a case of “Dogs Gone Wild” back there. Which, I will say was probably a bad choice on my side.
But we went to correct the problem and added nice new top soil with fancy schmancy stuff in there to make things with roots take hold and reach for the sky. Or at least that is what the 40 bags of it said it should do. I even bought some grass that says it grows anywhere. They proved it at the store by showing it growing on some piece of rock. If it worked for them, it must work for me!
Famous last words of an anti-plant person. All the fancy soil and high priced seed didn’t pan out. Not even the cheap seed worked too well.
See, while I am an anti-plant person, I do know the formula for getting grass to grow.
1. Soil (I bought brand new shiny dirt for the project)
2. Grass seed (2 types of grass seed, regular and a bag that lied to me)
3. Daylight (Even I can’t mess that one up)
4. Water (Yes, I did water it daily…and even Mother Nature helped out)
It’s not rocket science for pity sake! Yet, everyday I look out there I have very few grass sprouts. I am, however, getting plenty of clover and dandelions out there. Now I KNOW I didn’t plant those there. They didn’t come in my fancy schmancy soil, and they were in my grass seeds. Yet, there they are in the middle of my dirt patch mocking me.
Now this is not the worst of it. The really ridiculous part is I have grass growing in places where it should not grow. It’s growing up through the cracks of my driveway, the cracks in my sidewalk and on the sides of my house! This is what is making me crazy, it’s like my grass is messing with my mind. I give it all it needs to grow in dirt and yet it chooses inorganic places to grow. I’ve done my darndest to kill my rogue grass, too. I’ve sprayed enough weed killer on those things to declare those areas as chemical spills. (Don’t mess with me tree huggers, it’s been a long day, I know chemicals are bad, but this is war.) And yet today I went out there and they STILL are growing. And my dirt patch isn’t really going down in size.
So at this point, I’m at a loss. I’m negotiating with the clover to remain green and pretend to be grass. The dandelions I am stabbing at with a long stick and yanking them up by their little blond roots. And the grass seed still just looks at me, mocking me. Tomorrow I’m going to get more grass seed…even though I am the anti-plant, I can’t throw in the towel yet. I’m going to get that area green even if I have to spray paint it.
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